According to psychologists Hewitt and Fleet in The Corsini Encyclopedia of Psychology, “Perfection is a broad, multifaceted personality construction that includes the requirements for perfection or the appearance of perfection for oneself or others.”
Perfection is something I've been struggling with since I can remember. It wasn't until a while ago that I realized that it was actually not only holding me back but also setting me up for failure when I was starting something new. From focusing on the smallest details to procrastination and missed opportunities. The core belief was that I wasn't "completely ready" yet. It started when I decided I wanted to start my career as a consultant. “Maybe I should take another course,” “Maybe I need to get older and more experienced” or “I don’t feel ready yet, I’ll wait a bit” were all just limiting beliefs of needing everything to be perfect before I start. When I started doing some inner work, I realized I was holding myself back. And that needed to change or else I was facing a life full of sadness and resentment. Mainly towards myself.
So, in this article, I would like to share with you some of the things that have helped me in my journey.
How do you know you are a perfectionist?
- Do you check an email/text message at least a few times before hitting send?
- Do you start many things at once but are unable to follow most of them?
- Do you procrastinate on something you know you would enjoy doing because you fear failure and/or criticism?
- Did you have an authoritative personality in your childhood who persistently told you that your job wasn't good enough because it wasn't perfect?
- Do you set unrealistic standards for yourself and others?
If you answered yes to at least three of these questions, you may be a perfectionist.
It all stems from the belief that you are not good enough. Unless you are perfect. Most of us have probably absorbed a voice from our childhood that has, over time, become our inner critic.
A brilliant new idea sprout in your mind gains momentum and continues to implement. But then something happens in the way, and she stops. What happened? Where did all this enthusiasm go? In fact, it is still there, in the background. I allowed something else to take its place. It's called self-doubt. Which leads to self-sabotage. Which leads to inaction, which ultimately goes back to low self-esteem. It's a vicious cycle. Often, the reason for all this is perfection. That annoying voice that tells you that you might as well give up because it wouldn't be perfect anyway. So it's not even worth putting your time and effort into it.
Don't worry, as a perfect fellow in recovery, I'm here to tell you that things can change for you too.
1. Decide on something you really want to do and stick to it
“One of the reasons so few of us achieve what we really want is that we never direct our focus; we never focus our strength. Most people make their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular.”
- Tony Robbins
It is better to focus on something and follow it. Being involved in too many projects at the same time will not only be energy-draining, but you will also feel very stressed. This will cause you to procrastinate and possibly even leave everything. Don't let your inner voice tell you to do something you really feel passionate about. Allow your potential to manifest in physical form, too.
2. Remove others from the pedestal
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
If you keep comparing your startup to someone who has spent many years there, you may not be able to achieve anything on your own. Just because you admire someone and have great respect doesn't mean they're perfect or that they did everything perfectly. Or that their success happened overnight. Going your own way and doing things your way is the best way to get where you want to be. You have something to offer, and while it's nice to have a mentor or someone to turn to for inspiration, that doesn't mean we should feel inferior to them.
3. Accept making mistakes
"It's important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our mistakes and move on."
-Steve Maraboli
You don't need to check ten times to make sure every little detail is perfect, or something terrible will happen. You can double-check something, but the next time you do more than two, take a deep breath. And he stopped. The same goes for your behavior. Studies have shown that people who make mistakes are more appreciated than those who look perfect. Social psychologist Elliot Aronson first described the phenomenon called The Pratfall Effect in 1966. She performed a coffee spill test in which participants were asked to listen to recordings of a quiz. In some cases, the hosts behaved without fail, while in others they "accidentally" poured coffee. When participants were asked to rate different hosts on how much they liked cafe hosts, cafe hosts ranked significantly higher than the perfectly performing control group.
4. Embrace those imperfect parts of you
And by that I mean all the parts.
"Our imperfections also make us special and beautiful. Some beautiful things are more impressive when left incomplete than when finished."
- Angie Karan.
Embrace who you are, with our good and bad parts. It sounds corny, but it's true. Self-acceptance is a vital aspect that is defined as an individual's acceptance of all their traits, positive or negative. personality, according to the Harvard Health Blog. I know it's easier said than done, but the truth is, it all starts with self-acceptance.
5. Don't take life too seriously!
I admit that it is difficult for me too. As a perfectionist, you tend to take everything very seriously, down to the smallest details.
"Don't worry about the little things and it's just the little things."
- Richard Carlson.
You tend to exaggerate and blow things up disproportionately when in reality most things won't matter even in a few years or even months. Relax, breathe deeply and try to have more fun. Have fun, do things you love. By doing this, you will walk away from the subject in question and see it with new eyes when you come back to it.
6. Accept criticism
Don't be afraid of criticism. Not everyone will like you, and that's okay. Perfectionists are generally very sensitive to the opinions of others. It can be difficult. But really, you're the one giving people the power to judge you or your work.
"Everyone has an opinion but to elevate someone else's opinion to the rank of the judge is truly absurd. After all, no one else can truly judge you unless you give them the authority to judge. 'to be judged." -Mel Schwartz
Most of the time, these opinions are unfounded. You have to learn to be special. Keep the criticism constructive and leave the rest aside. It's going to be hard at first, I know, but the longer you put yourself out there, the more you exercise your flexible muscles. It will get easier over time.
7. Find the root
Where does the belief that you or something that you do come from? Take a look at your childhood, I most likely have it right there. Maybe your caregiver or someone you know is constantly telling you that you're not doing it right. Or things will fail anyway, so why bother to undertake a task. If you can go back to a time in your childhood, it becomes easier to approach it.
"An emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the same thing that heals it..."
-Nicholas Sparks
final thoughts
Changing our beliefs about perfection can dramatically improve our quality of life. The first step is to realize if the pursuit of perfection is getting in the way of achieving your goals. If the answer is yes, then congratulations! You have taken the first step to break the pattern.
Try some of the tips above. as much as you can. Reduce the stress you feel about being perfect or doing things to the fullest. Allow yourself to make mistakes and dare to be seen and heard. Welcome the opportunities that come our way and live a more joyful, burden-free life.
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